CAPSULE MOVIE REVIEWS: 11-22-24

I like my Film Critic pants, but they're on briefly this week because there are only three films to review, and none are worth seeing. So buckle up! It's time for some capsule (short) movie reviews for the week of Friday, November 22, 2024.

1) GLADIATOR II

Taken at the Press Screening, just few minutes before Ridley Scott's latest waste of celluloid stunk up the room.

If you know me at all, then you know that I think Ridley Scott is, without question, the most overrated filmmaker in cinema history. I admit that it is extremely admirable that at almost 87 years of age, Scott has continued to work steadily since the 1970s. It is also pretty amazing that his latest, "Gladiator II," is his 29th feature film.

The main problem is that in all those years of steady work, the majority of his movies have been crap. He has spent almost 50 years making terrible movies and getting praised for them.

In my opinion, Scott has only directed two great films ("Alien" and "Blade Runner") and a few deeply flawed but passable movies: "Thelma and Louise," "GI Jane," "Matchstick Men," and "The Martian." The rest are either not worth seeing or are among the worst movies I have ever seen.

Ridley Scott is a hack of biblical proportions, and Gladiator II is a prime example of the half-assed, lazy, uninspired, and inept filmmaking he dumps into theaters every year. Of course, it will be nominated for multiple awards and praised by most critics.

Yeah, I have passed on the Ridley Scott Kool-Aid for decades, and I'm not gonna start with this dreck.

Briefly, this sequel that nobody wanted takes place in Imperial-era Rome, a generation after the events of the original (and awful) first film. The main character is Lucius (an uncomfortable Paul Mescal), a distant relative of the first film's hero, Maximus (maybe??), who survives a battle with the Romans that has left his wife dead and him an enslaved person.

Lucius is purchased by former slave, now slave trader, Macrinus (a shamelessly hammy Denzel Washington) to be used as a gladiator in battles that will help Macrinus climb up the ladder of Roman hierarchy and seize power from the two bratty, brother co-emperors (Joseph Quinn and Fred Hechinger, both awful).

Lucius just wants revenge and is focused on punishing and killing the Roman General who killed his wife (a wasted Pedro Pascal), bringing down the emperors, and settling his mother's issues with Lucilla (a bored Connie Nielsen).

So, it's pretty much a carbon copy of the original film, with the terrible screenplay by longtime Scott collaborator David Scarpa, going through the superficial, boring dramatic motions while Scott loads the thing with lots of blood, clanging armor, helmet smashing, decapitations, elaborate battle sequences, and Colosseum fights filled with mayhem.

That all sounds cool, right? Wrong.

While this terrible sequel gives us Scott's expected inept execution and staging of the action scenes (they are truly awful), we are also gifted with some of the most poorly designed and laughable CGI in the history of big-budget filmmaking.

The gladiators battle against giant fake-looking CGI Rhinos, a bunch of poorly animated rabid, deformed baboons, and video-game-resembling sharks—yes, sharks. They flood the Colosseum with water and let them loose. I am not kidding. These ridiculous creatures look like they came straight from a particularly strong LSD-fueled night of programming over at Adult Swim.

When the screen isn't filled with the absurdly bloody antics of the arena, it's dominated by boring, half-assed, and recycled drama from the first film (which in turn was boring, half-assed, and recycled drama from dozens of other, better films).

The cast is stacked with incredibly gifted actors who are either terribly miscast (Pascal), completely wasted (Mescal), or just plain awful, which is the case with Washington, who, in this movie, gives what is easily the worst performance of his career, and I'm including "Carbon Copy."

Denzel's performance consists of purposely wacky line readings, generously complex sleeve-work and robe pulling, and character-breaking laughter that he throws in hoping that you'll remember how great he was in "Training Day." Clearly, he read the shitty script, realized what he had gotten himself into, and went directly to fun-town... and I bet he gets a fucking Oscar nomination for this nonsense.

Like so many other Scott projects, this is a sad, desperate attempt to bring grand, epic filmmaking to the screen, made by a man who has no idea how to do it using either new or old technology.

Ridley Scott is a terrible filmmaker, and "Gladiator II" is a terrible film. - ⭐️

2) NICKEL BOYS

Based on Colson Whitehead's Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, this film chronicles the strong friendship between two young African American men who navigate the harrowing trials of reform school together in Florida.

The events in the movie are based on things that happened at a historic reform school in Florida called the Dozier School for Boys, which was notorious for the abusive treatment of students.

Despite solid performances by Ethan Herrise and Brandon Wilson in the lead roles and a passionate message, I was surprisingly underwhelmed by the film. 

I found the subjective point-of-view camera and storytelling style distracting, inconsistent, and pompous.

This gimmicky trope completely took away from my being emotionally invested in the characters and events of the film, which are clearly important and powerful. I was detached and didn't care, and it had everything to do with the confused way the film was made. - ⭐️⭐️

3) WICKED

Hey! Did you guys know that a film version of the Broadway musical Wicked is coming out?!?!? I hadn't heard anything about it—what a surprise!

OK, here's the deal right up front: I hate "The Wizard of Oz."

Always have, always will.

It's an annoying, stiff, poorly made example of the type of conveyor belt product that MGM was regularly churning out in the 30s. It's only considered beloved because it was annually jammed down our collective throats throughout our childhoods, and it was something we felt we HAD to watch and love.

Now, Walter Murch's brilliant "Return to Oz," starring Fairuza Balk as Dorothy, well, that's a different story....I LOVE that movie.

Unfortunately, this film is not at all connected to that 1985 much-maligned masterpiece. It is a direct prequel to the 1939 film version of L. Frank Baum's "The Wonderful World of Oz."

Now that I've got that out of the way, I also actively dislike the stage version of the musical "Wicked." I didn't care about the story, wasn't really impressed with the staging, and found the songs and score unremarkable and profoundly dull. So, yeah... this movie was clearly not made for me.

I will not waste space going into the plot, describing the characters, or recounting the complications of the myths. You've already seen the show, know all about it, and are ready to see the movie. Whatever I say here is pretty meaningless.

At its core, this new film is as bland and uninteresting as the stage version (I mean, the songs are still the same - bad), only worse because it is roughly twice as long as the Broadway musical. This is just PART ONE (?!?) of what will ultimately be a 6-hour film of a story that could be told effectively in about 90 minutes.

It's bloated and so loaded with special effects-laden filler, unnecessary characters, and subplots that even the biggest fans might wonder why it had to be stretched out this way.

The visuals are sumptuous, and the production design, costumes, and art direction are all top-notch because... they better be. But the wildly inconsistent director Jon M. Chu proves here that he will forever be the director of "Step Up 3D" and "G.I. Joe: Retaliation," which are both more competently made than "Wicked."

The cast is easily the best part of this whole thing, with terrific performances from the co-leads Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande and outstanding supporting work from Jonathan Bailey, Kristin Chenoweth, and Michelle Yeoh. Fun appearances by Bowen Yang, Ethan Slater, and Marissa Bode add some life, but it is a fantastic Jeff Goldblum as The Wizard who steals the show and single-handedly keeps things interesting.

I'm pretty sure that nothing I wrote here will change anyone's mind about this movie, and I'm pretty sure that I will be in the minority with my thoughts about it, but so be it. I didn't like it, sorry, I don't care.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I will watch an institutionalized Dorothy Gale (played by the magnificent Fairuza Balk) receive some much-needed shock treatment in the first ten minutes of the finest film trip to the land of Oz ever. "Return to Oz" will happily take my mind off of "Wicked," which, despite the impressive technical achievements, just ain't for me, and I am fine with that. - ⭐️⭐️

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CAPSULE MOVIE REVIEWS 11-8-24

I ironed my Film Critic pants, put them on, and now I'm ready! It's time for some capsule (short) movie reviews of four New Releases for the week of Friday, November 8, 2024.

1) HERETIC

This late-in-the-year entry to the Awards Season mix is easily one of the year's best horror films and the best films of any genre.

Taking off from a simple premise in which two young Mormon missionaries (Sophie Thatcher and Chloe East) are out trying to convert lost souls, they knock on the door of an isolated cottage occupied by Mr. Reed, a charming man (Hugh Grant), who turns out to be a lot more dangerous and terrifying than he appears.

What follows is a cat-and-mouse game between Mr. Reed and the now captured girls, involving in-depth discussions about religion, history, theology, and faith and horrifying encounters with what might be the supernatural—depending on your beliefs, perhaps.

I won't give away any of this terrific film's secrets, twists, or surprises, but I will say that the script by Scott Beck and Bryan Woods (both of whom also direct here) is a miracle of construction, ideas, and execution. The complexity of the revealed character development, the brilliantly written dialogue, and the economical use of time and place make this one of the year's best screenplays.

The most impressive aspects of the intricate screenplay include the rich exchange of ideas, the startlingly intelligent theological debates, and the fun use of pop culture to give the viewer much food for thought and add to the almost unbearable suspense.

Beck and Wood's brilliant direction is extraordinarily tight, focused, and intense. Their handling of the very game actors is absolutely top-notch, showcasing three of the finest performances of 2024. And yes, Hugh Grant is as great as everyone is saying. He deserves an Oscar nomination for his funny, detailed, and terrifying work in this movie.

It takes a while for "Heretic" to become a true horror movie, but when it does (after about an hour of nerve-racking dialogue and quiet tension), it transforms into one of the scariest and most shocking films of the year, complete with some good screams, jumps and gore.

I loved everything about this movie, from the stellar work of Grant, Thatcher, and East to the brilliant direction, the moody score, lovely sets, rich cinematography, and tight editing. Everything about this intelligent, terrifying film works. You will also be talking about this thought-provoking movie for a long time after you see it.

Oh, yeah. In addition to all the scary stuff, it is a long-overdue and unapologetic love letter to the great British Invasion band The Hollies. You'll see. - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

2) BLITZ

The latest from writer/director Steve McQueen ("Hunger," "Shame," "12 Years a Slave," "Widows") is a World War II drama about a London mother (Saoirse Ronan) who, during the blitz bombings, chooses to evacuate her 9-year-old son (Elliott Heffernan) from the city to the countryside. However, when her son defiantly jumps from the train to go back home, a three-day adventure and search begin.

While I have never been a huge fan of the overrated McQueen's past work (with the exception of "Widows," which is truly excellent), this film is, without question, the least interesting, most derivative thing he has ever done.

The story unfolds with absolutely no urgency and very little tension, and the choppy flashback/dream sequence structure only highlights the script's emotional hollowness. McQueen's direction is stilted and inconsistent, resulting in one of the least compelling WWII films I have ever seen.

It's not the actors' fault, though. The always outstanding Ronan does the best she can with a painfully underwritten role, and newcomer Heffernan is excellent as her son, giving a layered, complex performance that is way beyond his years.

Harris Dickinson, Benjamin Clementine, Kathy Burke, Paul Weller, and the outstanding Stephen Graham round out the supporting cast. They do their best with this sub-par material, but it never takes off.

There is one really memorable and well-executed sequence involving Heffernan's character trying to find shelter during one of the bombings that stands out, and a subplot involving an organized marauding gang's exploits in the bombed-out buildings of the city that is interesting but woefully underdeveloped.

Overall, this is dull, unremarkable, and stereotypical in every way. It is another disappointing work by Steve McQueen, who continues to bite off a lot more than he can chew. In this one, he jams in as much as possible, including music, a love story, and commentary about race, feminism, and class, and it all seems incredibly forced.

The one good thing about this movie is that it reminded me that it's been far too long since I watched John Boorman's magnificent "Hope and Glory" from 1987, which is also a coming-of-age story that takes place during the Blitz, only that film is a flat-out masterpiece...."Blitz" is not. - ⭐️⭐️

3) SMALL THINGS LIKE THESE

Cillian Murphy stars in this quiet but intensely effective film as a coal man in County Wexford, Ireland, in the early 1980s. He discovers some horrible secrets about the Magdelene Laundries, the Catholic Church's home for unwed mothers located next to his business.

Based on Claire Keegan's historical novel, inspired by actual events that took place in that area over many years, the screenplay is structured around Murphy's character's memories of his troubled childhood growing up with a mistreated and disturbed unwed mother.

The film's flashback structure is a bit choppy. Still, the content is powerful, anchored by some truly outstanding performances by Murphy, Eileen Walsh, Amy De Bhrun, Michelle Farley, and a chilling, perfectly cast Emily Watson as the Mother Superior.

The movie's brutal effectiveness comes from its unblinking honesty. The simple shared trauma of the main characters is enough to evoke terror without resorting to cheap, over-the-top dramatics.

Director Tim Mielants deftly handles the tone of sadness and oppression without hammering the audience with histrionics, which makes many of the film's quietest scenes (especially those of everyday family life at Christmas time) absolutely devastating.

At the center of it all is Murphy, who continues to prove what a remarkable actor he truly is. Often without uttering a word, his magnificent face says volumes about what his character has gone through and what he is witnessing.

There are no pat solutions in this film, and in the end, when the main character makes what appears to be a brave choice on the surface, the audience is left with an overwhelming feeling that there will be calamitous consequences. "Small Things Like These" is uncompromising and brilliant. - ⭐️⭐️⭐️1/2

4) THE BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER

Based on the very popular 1972 book by Barbara Robinson, this is a heavy-handed, manipulative nightmare of a holiday comedy by Christian filmmaker and creator of Vertical Church Films (which began out of a church here in Chicago), Dallas Jenkins.

With this movie, Jenkins continues to provide the world with simplistic, ineptly made nonsense that might speak to a certain segment of the population, but it does not speak to me.

This is the second time this well-known book has been adapted to the screen. The first was a 1983 made-for-TV movie starring Loretta Swit and a very young, pre-Return to Oz Fairuza Balk. That version is "Citizen Kane" compared to this latest version.

The plot is about the Herdmans, described as the "worst kids in the history of the world," who like to lie, steal, cheat, smoke, burn things down, swear, and take the Lord's name in vain, and how they join the annual Christmas pageant to the disproval of the whole community.

Pete Holmes (why?) stars a congenial dad whose wife, played by Judy Greer (why?), takes over the pageant and allows the Herdmans to participate in the festivities despite their lack of knowledge of the Nativity or Christ. Don't worry; wackiness ensues, cliches fly, and many obvious and annoying lessons are learned.

I am certainly not the target demographic for this movie, nor am I a huge fan of this type of holiday slop that shoves its messages down your throat with the subtlety of a sledgehammer and the quality of a cheesy Hallmark card. I'm not sure who is.

To me, great holiday entertainment is stuff like "Black Christmas," "The Ice Harvest," and "The Ref," so yeah, this isn't for me. But even so, this is rank material loaded with lousy performances (the kids...oh my God), blunt slapstick, and weepy melodrama.

The only positive thing about this holiday hogwash is that it is smartly and charmingly narrated by the exquisite Lauren Graham (yeah, Lorelai Gilmore herself!). But that only made me think of Graham in "Bad Santa," which is definitely NOT what the guy who makes movies out of his church wants me to think about, trust me. - ⭐️

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October 'Nick's Pix": "The Craft"

This one-night-only screening is Wed, October 9th at the Lake Theater in Oak Park. Purchase tickets here!

My next Classic Cinemas 'Nick's Pix' film screening is The Craft, one of the best horror films of the 90s, and also a powerful and effective examination of the obstacles and challenges of being a teenage girl and overcoming insecurities, objectification, and the mental damage of adolescence in our culture.

The plot: After transferring to a Los Angeles high school, Sarah (Robin Tunney) finds that her telekinetic gift appeals to a group of three wannabe witches who are seeking a fourth member for their rituals. Bonnie (Neve Campbell), Rochelle (Rachel True), and Nancy (Fairuza Balk), like Sarah herself, all have troubled backgrounds, which, combined with their nascent powers, lead to dangerous consequences. When a minor spell causes a fellow student to lose her hair, the girls grow power-mad.

The very talented and versatile writer/director is Andrew Fleming, who has made smart horror films like this and the terrifying "Bad Dreams." He has also directed such varying movies as "Threesome," an excellent and woefully underrated film about college sexual awakening; "Dick," a hilarious, brilliant satire of teen movies and Watergate; and the uproarious farce about theater "Hamlet 2."

Fleming can do anything and do it well, but I still think "The Craft" is his finest work. Deep, scary, and insightful, it is perhaps the best film about witchcraft ever made, and it features some of the finest young actor performances of all time. The four girls are outstanding, especially Fairuza Balk, who created an iconic, unforgettable character with the dark, heartbreaking, haunting, and funny work she does here.

I love this movie and can't wait to share it with you all at The Lake Theater in Oak Park on Wednesday night.

I will introduce the film, we will watch it together, and afterward, I will share some stories of the making of the film, its place in horror history, where the cast is now, and more.

There will also be fun interactive trivia and great prizes, including an original zombie caricature by the talented Scott Beaderstadt, who will create the portrait for the lucky winner and have it ready by the end of the movie!

Scott Beaderstadt's zombie caricatures - a lucky winner will walk away with one of themselves that very night after the movie!

As a veteran host and moderator at the annual Flashback Weekend Horror Conventions, I have been lucky enough to meet and hang out with some of the cast members of "The Craft," and they are all really cool. On Wednesday, I will tell you some stories that I heard directly from Skeet Ulrich, Neve Campbell, Rachel True (one of the coolest celebrities we've ever had at Flashback), and more.

"The Craft!" (left to right): Skeet Ulrich, Neve Campbell, some idiot, Rachel True.

Me and Rachel True at Flashback Weekend. She is really one of the nicest celebrities we've ever had at the convention.

Me and Neve Campbell at Flashback Weekend a few years back. She could not have been cooler. Especially when I wouldn't stop talking about ""Party of Five."

Neve Campbell and Rachel True autographed this poster of "The Craft" that sits on my desk at home!

It is going to be a blast, so reserve your seats NOW. I will see you all on Wednesday night at The Lake Theater for a wicked night (you see what I did there? "wicked"? Funny, huh?) of witchcraft, terror, and enjoyment.

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And consider joining me on Patreon as a paid subscriber to help keep this thing going.

Thanks again!