In honor of the terrible new movie "Red One," in which J.K. Simmons plays a buff Santa Claus who has to be rescued from kidnappers, I put together a list of movies that feature some very unusual and, in some cases, some very scary Santas.
Some are popular, some are familiar, some are weird, and some you haven't heard of. But I guarantee this: you do NOT want any of these Santas climbing down your chimney in the middle of the night.
As insane as some of these Santas are, and as crazy as these movies seem…they are all real movies. I'm not kidding.
By the way, despite the title of this blog post, I have not included Billy Bob Thornton's "Bad Santa" because I hate that movie.
So here is a list of some of my favorite "Bad Santas." Each entry will have a very brief explanation and a clip of the badness of each Santa. They are in no particular order; there is only one Bad Santa after another and some great examples of their true awfulness/weirdness.
And...I LOVE them all!
In this classic comedy, Dan Aykroyd plays a successful businessman whose life was completely destroyed by a bet between two rich old guys. So he puts on a ratty Santa Suit, gets drunk, and does what many people do during the holidays, attempts suicide.
This notorious slasher film from 1984 caused so much controversy that it was initially pulled from the theaters but eventually became a cult classic and spawned 4 sequels. A disturbed loon who, as a child, witnessed his parents being murdered by a guy in a red hat dressed up like Santa and murdered a bunch of people. It's awesome trash.
"The Ref" is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. It's a dark, brilliantly funny look at dysfunction, marital strife, blackmail, arguing, drinking, kidnapping—you know, all the fun holiday stuff. The movie features an amazing cast, a brilliant script, smart social commentary, and a once-beloved neighborhood Santa who has reached his breaking point and is letting everyone know about it. My favorite part of this clip is the steam rising from the bushes.
This legendary piece of cinema became a must-see cult classic after the guys on Mystery Science Theater 3000 took it apart. In it, this weird-ass Santa is kidnapped by Martians (much like the new movie Red One) and must be saved. Oh yeah, an 8-year-old Pia Zadora is also featured in this madness.
So, Hulk Hogan stars as a rich jagoff who bangs his head while wearing a Santa Suit, wakes up, and thinks he's Santa. He then fights the villain, played by a very sad-looking Ed Begley Jr. Look for a young Mila Kunis in this thing, which also features Garrett Morris and Clint Howard, because, of course, Clint Howard is in it.
BONUS VIDEO: Here is The Hulkster, as a heel (bad guy), in the ring on a 1996 episode of WCW's Monday Nitro, talking about the incredible success of the movie. His comments are just a wee bit exaggerated.
In the third movie of the popular "Friday" franchise, the hilarious stand-up comedian Rickey Smiley plays a Santa who breaks into Ice Cube's house on Christmas Eve. The result is a scene that makes me laugh my ass off. Shockingly, I've never been high while watching it.
I just recently discovered this one, and boy, am I glad that I did. Pro-Wrestler Bill Goldberg stars in this black comedy/slasher movie as a demon who loses a bet and has to spread Christmas cheer for over a millennium. When the bet is up, he goes nuts and begins a rampage of murder and mayhem. For some reason, Robert Culp, Dave Thomas, Chris Kattan, and Fran Drescher are all in this 2005 craziness.
JOSE ELIAS MORENO in "Santa Claus" (AKA: "Santa Claus Vs. The Devil")
This Mexican cult classic from 1959 is a real doozy. It tells the tale of a demon who is sent to earth to make children behave badly to trap Santa, who lives in outer space. Lucifer makes several appearances, Merlin the Magician shows up, and magical dust and spooky flowers play a part in a movie that can best be described as an acid trip on celluloid. Moreno was a classic Mexican character actor who appeared in more than 180 movies, but this one might be his crowning achievement.
This Finnish import is actually one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time. It is a wildly imaginative fantasy/action/horror/comedy hybrid that features a monstrous, evil Santa who has been unearthed after being buried in ice for years. He is NOT the Santa we all know and love—he's much, much cooler.
I can't even begin to describe just how special and batshit crazy everything about this 1980 slasher movie is.
I'll just say this: It is John Waters's all-time favorite Christmas movie, it has the same plot as "Silent Night Deadly Night," it is perversely funny, and it stars Fiona Apple's dad as the insane, murderous Santa. If you've never seen this movie, remedy that situation immediately. Gonzo, wild, sleazy, and often brilliant, this movie is a true treasure, and Maggart's performance is absolutely legendary.
Who are your favorite Santas?? Let me know by leaving a message at (773) 417-6948 or email me at nick@nickdigilio.com. Happy Holidays!
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